Dividing My Time

Russian National Carrier Day/День Аэрофлота: Negotiating A Red Handshake

“You pretend to work, we pretend to pay you.”

~ Soviet joke

Today is Russia's National Carrier’s Day!  Regular readers of this blog will know that I won’t be making a special trip over to Azbukha for something to hoist up in a toast to that crowd!  I have written lots and lots about my happy time there as an employee: my first foray into working for a Russian company.  

I could tell you that the National Carrier was founded in 1923, that they are a member of the Sky Team (and who, do we want to know, was asleep at that particular wheel?), and so on, but really, since they still owe me about $28,000 USD (I’ll accept that in rubles BTW), I will spare you the PR talking points.  Google them if you are perishing to find out, and be sure to search for the story on how they failed to get in enough de-icer fluid over Christmas, bringing Moscow airports to a virtual standstill for several days.  Classic National Carrier.

What I thought I would do instead, then, is celebrate the day by providing another helpful public service message to expats considering a career with a Russian company.  In troubled times like these, a call from Yuliya the perky headhunter, promising a “really huge salary” and “shares” or the magic acronym “IPO” can be very appealing, I realize, but here are some helpful hints on what to look out for during the inevitable slippery downward slope to what I call “The Red Handshake.”

You’ve had your initial chummy chat with Yuliya the perky headhunter, and you’ve gotten the green light to go ahead and continue the interview process with large, unwieldy Russian company, providing essential services such as transportation, utilities, oil and gas, telephony, or financial services.  Don’t avoid these essential next steps:

1. Try to determine if this is a daughter company, or (God help you) a “trading house” (торговый дом) or  subsidiary (дочерняя компания) of the large unwieldy Russian company.   These are always failures, and are more often than not sort of window dressing for something far more nefarious going on in the background that they won’t tell you about, since your enthusiasm is part of the design of the window dressing.  You are, as it were, the main decorative motif.   Here’s what will happen next:

a. Your first interview is with a somewhat enthusiastic, 40-something Westernized Russian (he has an iPhone, but asks you to call him Igor Konstantinovich).  He knows absolutely nothing about your industry beyond the fact that the large, unwieldy Russian company has “great potential.  He will reveal that he went to school with, and/or is a next-door dacha neighbor to the oligarch who runs the unwieldy Russian company.  

He is going to be in charge.

b. Despite the fact that the large unwieldy Russian company has a sprawling corporate headquarters in downtown Moscow, the Torgovoi Dom’s office will be at another location, yet to be determined.

c. Igor Konstantinovich knows nothing about international health insurance.

If you find yourself in that situation – my advice is to flee.   Don’t take it any further.  Don’t give up your day job.  Don’t even bother (and those who know me well know this is anathema to me) to write Igor Konstantinovich a thank-you letter.

 If, however, you sense that your hire is for the actual large, unwieldy Russian company and that the strategic merger, IPO, or potential swallow of seven other minor market players is bona fide and you think you have the balls to pursue it, then be sure to:

1. Get the very best “English Law” lawyer (or if you prefer, solicitor) you can afford.  If you can’t afford a lawyer, mortgage your house, pawn your engagement ring, and hire out your children as baristas.  Send in the lawyer to discuss all the teeny tiny details of the employment contract with the large, unwieldy Russian company.   Have him/her (but, really, in this situation, much better him) copied on all e mails, have him present at all meetings, and have him sit on the final papers for at least three days longer than feels comfortable.  This is a prudent investment in your future.

2. Be anal about the details in your work contract.   Get Shyster Lawyer to hammer out a “Golden Parachute” clause for you of at least one year’s salary, bonus, and benefits.  Since this does not exist in Russian law, make sure your contract is made according to English Law.   You should also include everything down to the number of paper clips you think you need, the stipulation that you always fly business class wherever you go (because, trust me:  Moscow – Khabarovsk overnight via economy class on the National Carrier is not why you signed up for this job), and all the teeny tiny terms and conditions.  Don’t let the large, unwieldy Russian company hurry you into starting to work before the contract is signed, and don’t fall for the one where they tell you the legal entity being created to employ you is not yet registered.  Make several copies of the contract, have them notarized by a Russian notary and put them in a safe deposit box at a bank outside Russia.

3. Clarify your reporting status.  I personally don’t think it’s worth the hassle if you aren’t going to report to the oligarch in question, but it’s up to you.  Get it in writing, and, if possible, I recommend a clause whereby your Golden Parachute kicks in if your direct report suddenly morphs from the hapless, but enthusiastic Igor Konstantinovich into Olga Quelque Chose.  It’s been known to happen.

4. Insist upon a site visit to your potential place of work.  This is to ensure that:

a. There is an actual building, and not some soon-to-be disclosed location that is still being negotiated.

b. You are going to have an actual office, including a door that shuts.  This should also, ideally, include a large desk with a huge long table that juts out from it at a right angle. Yes, like a penis…exactly so.  The rule is simple:  the longer that table is, the more important you are. Be specific on the details of your office’s interior design—that’s what real men in Russia do.

c. Make sure your office is within a 10-minute leisurely stroll to that of your direct report.  You don’t want to have to put your tray table in an upright position before you meet face-to-face with your direct report.  Large country, Russia.

d. You have a bi-lingual secretary.   I know, you think your Middlebury Russian is kick-ass, and it may well be, but you need at least one secretary to not only sift through, but more importantly, issue, the sheer tonnage of deeply silly Russian inter-office memos (Sluzhebnieye Zapiski), or Orders (Prikazi) or ACTS (aktiy) without which nothing—including buying all those paperclips -- ever gets done in Russia.

5. Begin to cultivate a gruff demeanor.  Shed your charming Western manners, and practice saying things like “Idi soo-dah!” (come here!) as you would to a large and slightly out of control Doberman pincher.  Practice looking down your nose.  Learn to sneer.   

And so to work!   The paychecks roll in, the projects develop.   It goes well, until…the cracks begin to appear.  Things don’t seem quite the same somehow.  What’s going on, you wonder?  Could it be the “Red Handshake?” That slow water torture large, unwieldy Russian companies like yours use to force foreign managers to quit, rather than paying them the “golden parachute” sum. It could well be. Here are some signs to watch out for:

1. The large, unwieldy Russian company goes through a major re-shuffle of its fleet of cars while you are skiing at Chamonix.  Upon your return, you learn that your Audi Six has turned into a Ford Focus.

2. You aren’t invited (read ordered) to as many management meetings as you once were. You assume they’ve been reduced in number, until you encounter some new rule or regulation that was made at one you didn’t attend.  It turns out that in fact, the number of meetings has in fact tripled.

3. The merger, buy-out, or IPO for which you were hired, and by which you assume you will make the requisite $10mn every expat expects to make in Russia, is delayed, de-railed, or somehow is no longer the strategic priority it once was.  You find this out from the foreign legal team you hired to lead the deal, which has, without your knowledge, been fired.

4. The entire management team except you moves to a new office space.  They take your bi-lingual secretary with them.

5. They stop paying you, citing currency regulation problems or cash flow issues.

What can I say?  Condolences.  Can’t say I didn’t warn you.  What do you do now?

1. Do not quit.  Report to work every day.  They can’t rescind your security pass. Read War & Peace if you must behind your office door (see, door comes in handy) but make a point of showing up in the lunch canteen.  Be present.  Remember that a hundred years is a drop in the bucket to this crowd.  Play the waiting game.

2. Call that shyster lawyer I told you to hire from a secure phone and use the pre-arranged coded signal to prepare for proceedings against them for non-payment of salary.

3. Hide your corporate laptop at home and be vague about it when they come round to ask for it back.  While you and I know that a laptop cannot begin to cost the same as your unpaid salary, for the bureaucrats who run the company, mislaid company property is a far more serious blunder.

4. Chalk it up to experience.  

With any luck, you’ll get 20%-50% of your proposed golden parachute.  At least you won’t end up like me -- $30K in the hole from my happy time with the National Carrier!

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Welcome on Board, Readers!

What's your favorite National Carrier story?  Do you know a good nickname for the National Carrier?   I'd love to compile the ultimate list.  Please contribute by clicking on the COMMENT button below!  And once you've done that, stick around and enjoy some more snarky posts:

Day of Information Technology in Russia/День информатики в России: Head of IT: Brother From Another Planet

New Service of Aeroflot -- "Comfort+"

Secretary's Day/ День секретаря: A Hazardous Job!

 

General Prosecutor’s Day/День работника прокуратуры Российской Федерации: ORDER & LAW

 "In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

~Opening of Law & Order

Today celebrates the men and women who protect and defend the laws of Russia from those who might seek to break, or indeed bend them: the employees of Russia’s General Prosecutor, led by Yuri Chaika (like the Chekhov play and the car) in over 2,800 regional offices all over Russia.

On January 12, 1722, Peter The Great established the post of General Prosecutor of the Russia Senate.  Before Peter, as with so many things, justice was rather more loosely organized...a bit rougher if you will.   I won’t bore you with the lengthy and somewhat plodding history of the Russian Prosecutors – if you are fascinated with it that much, you can read the entire thing on their helpful website.   I would just highlight two interesting moments – one is that in 1917, the Bolsheviks abolished all court systems and handed the administration of justice over to The People, which was obviously far more efficient as the next two decades would prove. 

This kind of populist utopia can’t last forever, of course, and in 1992, soon after the Fall of the Wall and all that unpleasantness, the system was revamped once again.  In the words of the General Prosecutor themselves:

As early as the first Russian Law on Public Prosecution Service (1992) abolished the total supervision over implementation of laws by citizens; the Prosecution Service was prohibited from interference in economic activities. The essence of prosecutorial supervision, which is nowadays carried out over execution of essentially new legislation regulating drastically changed social relations, became absolutely different.

There are those – and HRH is in the vanguard -- who scoff at my notion that Russian history is cyclical rather than linear, but I think the history of the General Prosecutor’s Office is a great example of why I’m right.  What goes around comes around.

One thing that has remained constant, however, is that the Prosecutors in Russia are all uniformed – a tradition dating back from Peter I and carried on to this day.  Today, the uniforms are a cheerful sort of Prussian blue, which if you ask me (and no one ever ever does), are ever so slightly effeminate.  But there you are:  they Army has manly olive green, the Navy took black and the Air Force got the funky blue/green and the Police the blue/grey.  So the legal beagles are stuck with the girly blue which may account for their zeal in coming down hard on the crowd that wants to hang out by the statue of Mayakovsky or buy Parliaments (Lite or otherwise): a need to show their manliness.  I base this on the following scholarly observation:  when the Prosecutors do deign to make public statements, they tend to put forward some young woman in a shortened skirt as spokesperson.  While the peroxide blond reads out a statement at lightening speed in “officialspeak,” the beefier senior men stand around silently and clutch their crotches and sway, as Russian officials are wont to do.  As recent events have shown, no one can get through a statement faster than the General Prosecutors, because what's important is the letter - not the rule - of the law.

It’s all a far far cry from Sam Waterston and Alana de la Garza (who would look great in epaulettes and Prosecutor blue).  There was a knock off “Law & Order” series on Russian TV for a while called “Zakon & Poryadok” (Russian for "LAW and ORDER") which lasted one season.  I don’t know…it lacked a certain ya ni znaio shto (Russian for "je ne sais quoi") which I put down as Chris Noth, though it could have been that the misalignment of the fact that the Prosecutors aren’t “separate but equally important” from the police who investigate the crime. Certainly they don't stride down a hall carrying coffee cups together.  Maybe it’s that they don’t represent the people.   Or that it's not NYC.  

In any case, if you want to check them out – they are on Bolshaya Dmitrovka – right near US Dental Care.  You can’t miss it.

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Greetings Readers!

Have you been following Russia’s courtroom dramas these past few weeks?  What’s your take on them?  Weigh in, won’t you, by clicking the comment button below.  If you liked this post, do “like” it on Facebook so your friends can enjoy it to.  Or try some more stories about the world’s largest country like the ones listed below.  Thanks for visiting Dividing My Time!

Day of the Constitution of the Russian Government/День Конституции Российской Федерации: We, the multinational people

Day of the Lawyers/День юриста в России: Rule of Law Lipstick

The Day of the Baltic Fleet/День Балтийского флота: The Double Glazing on Russia’s Window on The West

Day of the Constitution of the Russian Government/День Конституции Российской Федерации: We, the multinational people

 

We, the multinational people of the Russian Federation, united by a common destiny on our land, asserting human rights and liberties, civil peace and accord, preserving the historic unity of the state, proceeding from the commonly recognized principles of equality and self-determination of the peoples honoring the memory of our ancestors, who have passed on to us love of and respect for our homeland and faith in good and justice, reviving the sovereign statehood of Russia and asserting its immutable democratic foundations, striving to secure the wellbeing and prosperity of Russia and proceeding from a sense of responsibility for our homeland before the present and future generations, and being aware of ourselves as part of the world community, hereby approve the Constitution of the Russian Federation.

~The Russian Constitution, The Preamble

Today is Constitution Day in Russia!  On this day, December 12, 1993, the Constitution of the Russian Federation was adopted by a Referendum and has been the legal foundation for the country ever since.  

It always makes me laugh when I listen to the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin worshippers defend leaving Health Care the way it is by saying things like, “We don’t want no socialism like they have over in Russia.”  They also say things like “Government, keep your hands off my Medicare,” but that is less germane to talking about Russia, which is, of course, a constitutional democracy, with elected officials who run the country.  This always blows people away for some reason.

The current Russian Constitution is the second of the country’s turbulent history, and replaced the Soviet Constitution dating back to 1918.   There was an attempt back in 1825 to get a Constitution, known as “The Decembrist Uprising,” in which a number of well-born nobles were upset when Alexander I died and named as his successor his younger brother Nicholas and not the elder, Constantine.   Nicholas was known to be a conservative, while Constantine favored adopting measures to make Russia a less authoritarian country.  Unbeknownst to the populace, Constantine had also renounced his claim to the throne when he made a morganatic marriage to a woman of common birth who did not meet the rigid criteria for Russian royal brides.   

The nobles and officers leading the uprising rallied 3000 supporters near the building of the Russian Senate on December 14 (December 26 New Style) and called for “Constantine and a Constitution!” which in Russian sounds like “Constantin i Constitutsia,” and many of the regular soldiers thought that Constitutsia was Constantine’s morganatic wife.   The rebellion was crushed and its leaders, many of whom were close personal friends of the poet Alexander Pushkin, were exiled to Siberia. Many of their wives bravely left St. Petersburg to accompany them into brutal years of depravity and primitive conditions.  “The Decembrist Wives” as they were known, were much admired and set, if you don’t mind me mentioning it, the bar rather high for what is considered acceptable loyalty in a Russian wife.

To get back to Russia’s present day situation, however, the Constitution is doing very well. It consists of 9 Chapters, a preamble and concluding and transitional documents.  All Russian presidents swear the oath of office by placing on hand on the Constitution and the original copy is kept in the Kremlin Library.

I thought it might be interesting for readers to skim a few highlights of the Russian Constitution.  The good people at kremlin.ru and Bucknell University, who provide English translations of Russia’s Constitution, make this task easier.

For someone like me, Article 44 is the key to the whole document, and the one I have memorized by heart in Russian.

Article 44.

1. Everyone shall be guaranteed freedom of literary, artistic, scientific, intellectual and other types of creative activity and tuition. Intellectual property shall be protected by the law.

2. Everyone shall have the right to participation in cultural life, to the use of institutions of culture, and access to cultural values.

3. Everyone shall care for the preservation of the historic and cultural heritage and safeguard landmarks of history and culture.

What this means, Readers, is that I can take pictures wherever I like, and so can you.  So the next time some lunatic security guard tries to stop you, just mention Article 44 of the Russian Constitution.  You can also add that the President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, a devoted shutterbug has said that people can take pictures wherever they like and, according to Article 80 he is the top dog:

Article 80.

4. The President of the Russian Federation shall be the head of state.

5. The President shall be the guarantor of the Constitution of the Russian Federation, and of human and civil rights and freedoms. In accordance with the procedure established by the Constitution of the Russian Federation, he shall take measures to protect the sovereignty of the Russian Federation, its independence and state integrity, and ensure concerted functioning and interaction of all bodies of state power.

6. The President of the Russian Federation shall define the basic domestic and foreign policy guidelines of the state in accordance with the Constitution of the Russian Federation and federal laws.

7. The President of the Russian Federation as head of state shall represent the Russian Federation inside the country and in international relations.

Here is another one, I find interesting:

Article 38.

8. Motherhood and childhood, and the family shall be under state protection.

9. Care for children and their upbringing shall be the equal right and duty of the parents.

10. Employable children who have reached 18 years old shall care for their non-employable parents.

According to # 10, all children over the age of 18 are obliged to care for non-employable parents.  I can’t think why this has not taken off in Russia, given its current demographic…I have to hope that, like the majority of Russian citizens, Babushka and Dedushka have not perused the Constitution to this level of detail.  Yikes.

So, in closing, the next time you hear someone faff on about socialism and stuff in Russia, remind them that Russia is a constitutional democracy and has been for seventeen years.

On paper anyway.

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Hey there readers!

Can I implore you once again to take a moment and vote for us? Dividing My Time has been nominated in two categories (Best Travel Blog and Best Humor Blog) in the 2010 Blogger's Choice Awards!  If you enjoy Dividing My Time, please consider voting by clicking on the icons to the right of this column, or by following this easy link  and this one too.  It’s quick, easy, doesn’t cost anything, you don't have to use your own name and its really all I want for Christmas!  Thank you!

What do you make of Russia’s Constitution?  Did you know about it?  Did you know about Constitution Day?  Want to read more about recent Russian history?  Try some posts like these:

May Day / День труда: A Day of Solidarity

Russia Day /День России: No, It’s Not Independence Day

Day of the Russian Postal Service/День российской почты: Room For Improvement

 

Day of the Lawyers/День юриста в России: Rule of Law Lipstick

God wanted to chastise mankind, so he sent lawyers.

~Russian Proverb

Happy Lawyers’ Day!   This is a relatively new holiday, which just really got going last year in 2009, after legislation was passed in 2008, creating “Lawyers’ Day.”  On this day, Russia’s legal hacks gather together for a big celebration and vote for “Lawyer of the Year.”  

When I was researching this column, I looked for some interesting information on how many lawyers there are in Russia, or how many law firms operate, but no dice.  But you know, there are a lot...because there is a lot of paperwork in Russia.  And a lot of taxes.  In desperation, I tried to find out what the Lady Lawyer with the Dirty Book I’d written about in Day of the Legal Profession was up to, but even she seems to have gone quiet.  There is, of course, a bunch of information from the Skunk, Adder, Mole & Fox or Dewey, Cheetum & Howe crowd of international legal beagles around, but it is so very dull or pompous, or, worse, dull and pompous, that I think I will just give it a miss and talk about a vaguely related WikiLeak on Russia’s most famous court case, because, frankly, I cannot resist the language.  A cable – yes, a diplomatic cable -- written by a senior State Department Official was entitled "Rule of Law Lipstick on a Political Pig: Khodorkovsky Case Plods Along.”  I have to think there punctuation missing there somehow.  Shouldn’t it be: “Rule of Law: Lipstick on a Political Pig…?”  I will ask my father, the world’s greatest living grammarian, but I am pretty sure I’m right.  Apart from anything else, all savvy girl bloggers know there isn’t a lipstick color called “Rule of Law.”  Duh…

You have to hand it to these Senior State Department Officials, who, by the way fellow American citizens, are spending our tax dollars to attend Chechen warlord weddings and calling it work. They know their literary references and aren’t afraid to use them: “…Recent reports of the death of academic freedom in Russia are greatly exaggerated.” Is Political Minister Counselor Susan Elliott (who must feel very embarrassed this week) just very cold or very bored?  Or both?  Can I humbly suggest she cut out the verbal repartee and get out there and diplom?

The news that the Khodorkovsky case continues to plod along came as no surprise, because the legal wheels in Russia turn very slowly indeed: it took the judge almost an entire year to read out the entire 800 page indictment in an annoying monotone while journalists spelled one another in stuffy courtroom, and the accused hung out in a cage in the courtroom.

It has, however, provided lots of employment for many of Russia’s finest legal minds…and no doubt will for years to come.   

Stay tuned for updates on Russia’s Lawyer of the Year! 

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Hey there readers!

Do you know any lawyers in Russia?  Are you a lawyer yourself?  Who is your pick for “Lawyer of the Year?”  Hit the comment button below and let us know!  And, for those of you who saw yesterday’s FIFA comment, I just wanted to update you and say that I had a 9pm epiphany on the whole thing when I suddenly realized that I could rent my apartment in Moscow to some Saudi Royals for…oh about $4 million dollars a minute.  Very exciting.  Does anyone know any Saudi Royals?   I don’t’ think it’s too early to begin putting out the feelers, really, do you?

A reminder that  Dividing My Time has been nominated in two categories (Best Travel Blog and Best Humor Blog) in the 2010 Blogger's Choice Awards!  If you enjoy Dividing My Time, please consider voting by clicking on the icons to the right of this column, or by following this easy link  and this one too. You can get your friends to do it, and you can also, like Sarah Palin, get your employees to do it.  It’s quick, easy, doesn’t cost anything, and it really is all I want for Christmas!  Thank you!

If you liked this post, try some more like it:

Day of the Legal Profession /День российской адвокатуры: Russia’s Pornographic Portia

Day of the Russian Postal Service/День российской почты: Room For Improvement

Recruiter’s Day/День рекрутера: Help Wanted

Day of Russian Policemen/День российской милиции: Do They Know Where My Husband Is?

 When constabulary duty’s to be done, to be done

 A policeman’s lot is not a happy one

~ Gilbert & Sullivan (Pirates of Penzance)

Dearest Readers!

Dividing My Time turns one today!   I launched this blog one year ago with an inaugural post about envying all the smooth-haired authors on the book jackets who divided their time.  In their case, of course, it’s like Oxford and London, or New York and Paris, or Cape Cod and something else.  I think I must have the (very dubious) distinction of being the only aspiring writer to divide my time between Northampton and Moscow, but there it is, when life hands you beets, make some borscht.  

And what could be a better way to celebrate this milestone than by celebrating it in tandem with Russia’s Policemen!  Today marks the 40th anniversary since the creation of "Day of the Russian Militia" back in 1980, though of course, Russia’s police go back almost 300 years, to their founding by – you guessed it – Peter The Great in 1715.  There have always been policemen in Russia, but, as with so many organizations, they were slightly re-organized in 1917 on November 10th, like three days after the Russian Revolution (which might have been a hint, although perhaps that is unfair: hindsight is of course always 20/20 vision.)

HRH was curiously absent all day yesterday.  No calls, no SKYPE, and a few texts went unanswered.  This always makes me slightly nervous, but when I went into my Top Secret File on Russian Holidays and looked ahead to see what The Stunt had in store for me, I knew immediately where he was, and drew a long and heartfelt breath of relief.  No Oooh-Lah-Lah Strip Club last night for HRH.  Clearly, he was out with his policemen friends, helping them get well fortified and lubricated with 18-year old Scotch in preparation for the rigors of the day ahead.  HRH is a big fan of Policemen’s Day, and they like to start their holiday the night before.  So, it is just as well I am in Northampton at the moment, where I recently had my own little encounter with the local constabulary.

I was on my way to my Writing Group, and, as usual, I had left early to get the plum parking spot at the top of the road, which runs perpendicular to our host’s road.  I like to have the top spot since I’m still enough of an urban beast to feel slightly terrified walking down a dark street on my own, but truthfully, I can’t parallel park for love or money, so getting there early means I have time to wiggle the Subaru around before the other Subarus get there.  I don’t like to be observed when trying to park, which is a phobia I developed when I lived on Leningradsky Pr-t and shared a courtyard parking space with the Metro Police.   They used to love watching me try to back out of my woefully too small parking space in my very large Land Rover.  They would stand around, spit, scratch their crotches and laugh at me.  Sometimes,  I would just put my head down on the steering wheel and howl until they went away, or HRH or Tolya-The-Driver came to rescue me.

So there I was, in Northampton, all snug up against the curb, rooting around in my bottomless tote bag for my flash drive on which I keep all my writing work, when a bright light flooded the window.   I looked up into a 4-gazillion watt searchlight, aimed right at me from a Northampton Police cruiser.

“Oh #$%^&,” I thought, “I don’t have any cash.”  

The officer got out of the car and crossed the street.  

“Calm down,” I said to myself, “I'm probably just blocking a fire hydrant or something.”

“Yes,” said my Slavic alter-ego, “but you still don’t have any cash on you…you're gonna be in troooooooooble.”

I rolled down the window.

“Hi,” I said, “is there a problem?”

“Ma’am, are you okay?” asked the dead good-looking police officer in a concerned manner.

I was blind-sided.   Policemen aren't supposed to be concerned, not in a sincere sort of way.  

“I am…I’m fine,” I said, wondering if I should make a full disclosure about not really being able to parallel park.  I wondered if he might share my concern about the social faux pas inherent in arriving too early for Writing Group.  Russian police, I knew, didn't give a damn about that kind of thing, but Officer McDreamy looked like he might just be in a writing group of his own.

“Don’t be ludicrous,” said my alter ego, “like he cares.”

“Just wanted to be sure, you have a good evening now,” he said and got back into his cruiser.

I wanted to give him a bottle of like 80-year old scotch right there and then but, of course, they frown on that kind of thing in Northampton.   So, I went home and wrote a check to the Policemen’s Fund.  A large one.

Happy Policemen's Day to any of you still standing today! And to all of Noho's Finest for that matter!

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This post is part of The Stunt.

Photo by the author.  All rights reserved.

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Hello there Readers!

First of all, heartfelt thanks for your loyal support which has got me through one year of blogging!  As a readership, you number more than 35,000, which means a lot of you are keeping very quiet!  I'd love to hear from you going into year 2, so take this opportunity to weigh in with a comment!  If you were an early commenter on this blog and stopped, I wish you'd weigh in again!

I’ll bet you have a good policeman story – Russian or Northamptonite or wherever you do hail from!  My good friend Mouse told me a funny one about Stockbridge, MA’s legendary Officer Oppenheimer, better known to his fans as “Officer Opie.” Opie, as the cognoscenti refer to him, is the anti-hero of Arlo Guthrie’s ballad “Alice’s Restaurant,” he who has “the twenty-seven 8” by 10” colored glossy photos with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one.”  After the film of  “Alice’s Restaurant” came out with Opie in a cameo role as himself, he stopped calling Mouse’s mother, “Mrs. Miles” and would say, “Hey Flo!”    

Got a story like that one?  Let us know by hitting the comment button below and weighing in.  

Or, stick around and read some other posts about law enforcement or me being reduced to tears in Russia, like these:

Day of the Canine Units of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia/День кинологических подразделений МВД России: It’s a Dog’s Life

Day of Knowledge/День знаний: Back to School!

Day of the Traffic Cops (Day of the GIBDD) /День ГАИ (День ГИБДД МВД РФ): A Hypothetical Reenactment