Dividing My Time

Russian Dolls...A New All-Time Low!!

Here’s a confession.   My daughter Velvet and I are addicted to bad reality TV shows, which is out of character for us both.  I’m meant to be the brainy intellectual/witty writer type, and she is supposed to be the outdoorsy/horsey type.   We hide it well, but catch us on a rainy Friday evening, chances are we are curled up on the squishy sofa working out way through back episodes of “Jerseylicious,”  “SuperNanny” or my personal favorite, “Clean House.”  

Which is why we were both so excited for the launch of Lifetime’s new reality series, “Russian Dolls,” which chronicles the lives of a number of Russian émigrés to New York’s Brighton Beach.  We mixed up some cocktails (gin and olives for me, ginger ale and pomegranate liqueur for Velvet) and settled in.

Readers…. what a letdown!  The Gatsby this ain't. Not that I didn’t know that if there is anything worse than a vapid dyev in stilettos, it’s a vapid dyev in stilettos who has been air lifted to NYC or Laaaaaaaaaaannnndon, but “Russian Dolls” hits an all time new low.  Even this writer, who spends a fairly hefty portion of her working hours poking fun at contemporary Russian culture, was horrified:

 

Most of this week’s episode centered around Anastasia (which is pronounced by all and sundry like the cartoon Princess:  Anna-STAY-ZH-ah instead of Anna-stass-ee-ah) and her mother Ida talking over salat Olivier (and who gave that particular culinary disaster an entry visa to the USA I’d like to know?)

“What you want say to me?” asks Ida about Anastasia’s possible career moves, 

“Speech, Ma…I’m doing speech,” pouts Anastasia, running her acrylic nails through her ironed hair.  

“The counselor, she thinks I should do law.”

“And how you repay loans?” wails Ida.

“Ma!  Just leave me alone,” explodes Anastasia.

Mad Men it ain't.

Then there were the nervous jitters of 47-year old Renata (who looked like she was addicted to Valium) getting ready to belt out Alla Pugacheva hits at the opening of Brighton Beach’s newest club “1001 Nights,” under the Svengali-esque coaching of her husband Boris. Next week, we will be meeting Sveta who is, according to the voice over, “Biggest Bitch in Brighton,” (which has to be saying a whole bunch) while she launches a jewelry line. 

“This is embarrassing,” confessed Velvet, “These are like my people.”

Not if I can help it…they’re not.

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И так Readers,

Did you see “Russian Dolls?”  if so, what did you think?   Do we need to get up a petition to Hillary Clinton?   Could Vladimir Putin express his disapproval and get it off the air?  Does it bear any resemblance to émigré life in America?   

The "F" Words: More from the Expat Lexicon

 

That’s the thing about blogging, isn’t it?  You get on the roll with something….

Here are some “F” words for the expat’s guide to Russia:

Fools:  

Nikolai Gogol said it best:  “The problem with Russia is fools and roads,” This sounds a lot better in Russian “Duraki ee Dorogee.”  (Дураки и дороги).  Playing the fool works well in Russia, because you can operate under the radar screen.  Good examples of this include arch-conservative/nutcase head of the LDPR Vladimir Zhirinovsky, who just keeps on ticking, no matter how many insulting things he says about Russia’s near neighbors, and Grigory Rasputin, the Holy Fool, though of course with him, things ended rather badly.

Fandorin:  

Russia often tries to come up with its own version of something that other countries already have, which by rights, have no place in Russia.  For example:  Medvedev is building a Silicon Valley, the Scary Crowd who run Moscow are attempting to build a Financial Center.  Fandorin is Russia’s attempt to have a Top of the Line Fictitious Detective like Hercule Poirot.  He’s the detective hero of best-selling novelist Boris Akunin’s series.  Fandorin:  I’ve known Poirot a long time, and you are no Poirot.

Flowers:

Do not underestimate the importance of flowers in Russia.  Flowers are always always always a good idea.  The larger the better.  Half of the GDP of the Netherlands comes from International Women’s Day in Russia.   They come swathed in ugly colored plastic wrap, strangled by chicken wire.  Hell to de-construct.  The problem is that you get deluged with them on your birthday or International Women’s Day/23rd of February and then you don’t see them for the rest of the year.   

Football:

One of Russia’s national pastimes.  Particularly since they (somehow, for reasons which still baffle the rest of the civilized world) managed to swing hosting the world cup in 2018 in three or four cities, which no one had ever, heard of (admit it – you could sooner find Fanghorn Forest or King’s Landing on a map than you could Saransk.)

Frustrating:

Not a word that is possible to translate into Russian, though anyone who wants to give it a go is welcome to hit the comment button below and weigh in.  I always find this interesting; since frustrating is exactly what Russia is most of the time.  For example, when you finally get your act together to go and register your visa, and you battle through the snow or the pukh or whatever and get to the post office and discover that the warped individuals who run the Federal Migration Service have changed the rules again.  Or, when you are trying to sleep off the previous night’s excesses and your landlady arrives.  At 8 am.  That’s frustrating.

Female:

Opposite of male, and therefore incapable of a.) Playing football, b.) Making more money than the male, c.) Taking out the garbage, and d.) Running the country.  Pity.

Face Control:

What mandatory military service qualifies every male Russian to do.

Foreign:

A synonym for “strange” or “no longer welcome at this particular time in our nation’s history,” or just plain “wrong.”  Is the etymological root of the word “German” which doesn’t come as a surprise given recent history?   If you are reading this blog, chances are, you are a foreigner, despite the fact, as one visitor to Russia once told me, “I’m not foreign…I’m American.”  Think again.

Fruit:

Still considered a luxury although it is available year round.    Source of “vitaminiy” together with intense sunlight.  Which is good, since I have yet to be able to find where they sell the actual supplements.  

Forest Fires:

The highlight of last summer.   Mixed with the peat bogs fumes, they gave us an exact sense of what fire and brimstone will be like when we get to hell.   Tough cookie Medvedev told the Cabinet Ministers that if things this summer were as bad as last summer, he’d send them out to fight the fires.  Problem is, he tweeted it.  And, as every devotee of Vladimir Putin knows, Real Men Don’t Tweet.

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Hey There Readers!

Can you think of some “F” words to describe Russia or help shed light on Life In Russia?  Mindful, that is, that this is sort of a Family Type blog, so you have to refrain from outright obscenities.  That should keep you busy!

Coming up next…. the “B” words!  Stay tuned!

 

 

Day of the Inventors and Rationalizers (Management Consultants)/День изобретателя и рационализатора: Love To Hear Medvedev Go “Tweet Tweet Tweet!”

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

~ Plato (The Republic)

  Today is the Day of the Inventors and the Rationalizers!  I crossed checked “rationalizer” in a number of online dictionaries and it seems that it can to refer to someone who re-organizes or brings modern, efficient methods to an industry i.e. Management Consultants.   Management Consultants, as I learned during my happy time at Russia’s National Carrier are creepy expat parasites, who, as HRH would say, are “You-zzz-eh-less” so I thought we might focus on the inventors.   

We have, of course, talked before about Russia’s past contributions to world technology…that Periodic Table of Elements thing, so I thought what we might do is focus more on Russia’s future inventors and innovators.

And what a great week to do so!  As all Russia-watchers, and many techno-geeks know, President Dmitry Medvedev, clearly off on good behavior, visited Silicon Valley on fact and fund finding missions for Russia’s  “City of Innovation,” Skolkovo.  Skolkovo, which is 20 kilometers from Moscow, was recently designated the site for Russia’s new innovation and technology center, where the focus will be on energy, information technologies, communication, biomedical research and nuclear technology.

Russia’s president is a real gadget geek and so this was like having lunch with all of the Disney Princesses for a 6-year old girl from Alabama.  He visited Apple, where he got a new 4G iPhone from Saint Steve himself (to add to the pirated and “cracked” 3G one he already had), he met with the Russian programmer Diaspora, about whom he expressed the (wildly unrealistic) hope that they would all return home and work at Skolkovo, and then, he visited Twitter, where he set up an account, and sent his first tweet, with an adorable typo.  He then proceeded to tweet the entire rest of the day, sending Twitpicks of the view from his hotel room, some random thoughts on Skolkovo, the good news that Belarus was going to repay it’s gas bill, and his latest tweet says he just met with David Cameron, and they agreed to stay in touch, and not just on line.

Having just worked my way through “Twitter for Dummies,” I was able to instantly “follow” the President. He isn’t following me.  Yet, but I am sure that will be put to right as soon as he gets home and synchs his contacts on the new phone with his iPad and his Kremlin hotmail account.  I sent him (unanswered as of yet) a tweet expressing my hope (in 140 characters) that he had enjoyed his cheeseburger with President Obama, and congratulating him on the cool press conference.   And you can send both President Medvedev and me tweets if you like as well.    We’re up to speed.

The President’s visit got a lot of coverage, most of it positive, some not, but the visit put Skolkovo firmly back on the top-five dinner party topics, from whence, frankly, it had slipped slightly, what with the initial rollout being not super duper PR, and the oppressive heat, and the BP oil spill and everything.  But, with companies like Nokia and CISCO pledging billion dollar investments into Skolkovo, we all wonder: is this the new hot place to look for a job?  Is the Innovation Technology racket the new Management Consultant racket?   Or do you have to, like, know something for this gig?

I’ll send you a hashtagged tweet if I find out!

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Dear Reader:

Had you heard about Skolkovo before you saw the charming footage of Medvedev at the Twitter office?   What do you think the Skolkovo crowd should focus on apart from how to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which a lot of us believe they already know, but what else?  Better ice machines and more powerful a/c are on the top of my list, since it is 93.2 degrees today (which is 34 degrees Celsius for the Metric geeks among you.).  Thank you, as ever, for stopping by.  Stick around, and read some other posts like this one:

Day of the Chemists / День химика: Russia’s Unquestioned Contribution to Civilization

Day of the Freelancers / День фрилансера: The Pajama-Clad Workforce

Day of the Ameliorators/День мелиоратора: Professionals From Fiction with Tough Rows to Hoe

Day of the Workers of the Federal Migration Service/День работников миграционной службы: Lambs to the Slaughter

Do you have any specialized skills, training or experience related to firearms and explosives, or to nuclear, biological or chemical activities?  If <Yes>, please explain.

~ Question # 32 on the visa application for US Citizens to the Russian Federation.

Here is another holiday, Like Day of the HR Managers, where I do not see us breaking out the Veuve Cliquot and the cobalt blue champagne flutes with the Imperial Seal.   Today is Workers of the Federal Migration Service Day. See, I can’t even work up enthusiasm for my customary exclamation mark.  

This is the crowd, as I have written before, who are making us run around Moscow trying to find a certified Latin- Russian translator, so we can have our college diplomas translated and apostiled, and have us combing the post-Armageddon landscape of southern Moscow to find the one rump-sprung clinic that is still testing for leprosy.  These are the clowns who change the rules about where and how to register your visa (once you actually get one and successfully enter the country) every single solitary time.   And, I have to assume that these are the Sadists who came up with that PDF version of the visa application, which is quite simply impossible to fill out on the computer. Go ahead, try to do it…click here and try and fill in one line without having to move your mouse and click on every single box.   See?

These people drive me to drink...and I can crawl there on my own, thank you very much.

People are always offering me back doors to Russian citizenship, and I just decline politely on behalf of myself and Velvet.  For one thing, Russia doesn’t have a dual citizenship agreement with America, or a number of other desirable first world locales like the EU...and all those Russians who think they are so clever (a number of HRH’s female relatives fall in to this category) in keeping their red passports once they get the new blue or burgundy ones should, I believe, be made to choose one and not the other, in tense circumstances by someone as unpleasant as Officer Noble, after a 26-hour flight.   Citizenship, Comrades, is not a travel document.   You can’t have a propiska (a residency permit) in a Moscow apartment, and vote for Barack Obama.  One or the other.  Not both.  Apart from anything else, you are depriving the poor Workers of the Federal Migration Service income, and driving the price of a one-year, multi-entry visa (for which you could get an entire new outfit at Eileen Fisher) for the rest of us!

The Federal Migration Workers are in charge of surveillance of labor migration, which is everyone from the Head of Proctor & Gamble in Russia to the Tadzhik street sweepers, and I always smile at the Tadzhiks and say “Good Day” politely since I feel we are essentially in the same boat.  It seems the Russians also think so, because the Moscow Times had a hysterical report on Friday about a little volume being created by Moscow City Hall.   This quite over-shadowed the other news of the day which I must just mention:  about the 65 meter penis painted on the underside of one of Saint Petersburg’s drawbridges on the eve of the Petersburg Economic Forum.   When raised, the drawbridge faced the Saint Petersburg HQ of the FSB, and that, to me, is genius on a scale you rarely see these days.

But to get back to the other story:  it seems the authorities at City Hall are coming up with an etiquette book for foreign workers visiting the capital.  This is A Bit Much, if you ask me, from a crowd who clear their nostrils of phlegm by pinching one side and blowing out the contents of the other.  Like on the main street, in broad daylight.

Is this woman getting ready to slaughter a lamb?

 

Is this man wearing his national costume on Tverskaya Street? 

The latter-day Emily Posts at City Hall, if you ask me (and no one ever ever does) could spend a little more time on re-working traffic patterns to ease the gridlock than telling me how to behave, but there they are, putting out this silly thing and issuing press releases about it all over the place.   The volume gets specific about some taboo behavior including wearing one’s national costume in public, which rules out jeans I guess, and LL Bean boots, as well as my North Face parka.  We are also supposed to refrain from slaughtering sheep in the courtyard, which wasn’t high up on my to-do list, but then my blood ran cold when I saw that we were also forbidden to barbecue on our balconies.

Oh Dear…

Congratulations to all of the Workers of the Federal Migration Service.

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This post is part of The Stunt

Photos by the author.  All Rights Reserved

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Dear Reader:

Have you ever applied for a visa to Russia?  Did you have to be medicated after you completed the application?  Did you try that PDF, and if so, do you agree it was created by a modern day Torquemada?   Do you know why I am so concerned about the barbecue rule???  (HINT: you’ll find the answer in one of the posts listed below!) Leave me a message of support below, or stick around and enjoy a few more posts like this one.  

More Blessed to Give, Than to Receive

Human Resource Department Day/День кадровика: 69 Pieces of Paper And Your Blood

Vivant et repulica…et qui illam regit!

Russia Day /День России: No, It’s Not Independence Day

Russia also declared its independence. This was approved by the Supreme Soviet, and you know and remember that there was the Declaration on the Independence of Russia. 

~ Boris Yeltsin 

Today is Russia Day!  

 
 At a gathering at my home in Moscow on Friday, I was not surprised that a survey of Russians polled (HRH and Joe’s very clever girlfriend Tanya) had absolutely no idea what Russia Day is in aid of, even though today marks the 20th anniversary of the original Russia Day.  Ask them about Border Guard Day, or Victory Day, and they are letter perfect, but Russia Day?  But this is why nation building – to say nothing of being a groundbreaking chronicler of Russian holidays -- is such uphill work.

So, as a public service message, here is the skinny on Russia Day:  Russia Day marks the moment on June 12, 1990 when (and pay attention, because this is slightly tricky) the Russian parliament declared Russian sovereignty over Russia.  And if that sounds like a bunch of people who don’t have enough to do getting together to have a party, it actually was a significant moment for the newly-minted Russian Federation, which had been the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic (RSFSR), the largest of the 15 Republics that made up The Soviet Union.   Declaring State Sovereignty over this body made the Russian Federation a new nation, independent of the other 14.   While the name of the country would be ratified later in 1991 (we’ll come to this in December), Russia Day marked the true moment of the birth of a nation.

But you can see why people like HRH (44% of Russians actually, according to a recent poll) remain confused about the holiday and refer to June 12th as “Independence Day.”   This is understandable if you are French or American and you look at the color scheme and the choice of a summer date, as well as the fireworks in the evening.  Reminds you vaguely of some other holidays celebrating that kind of thing around this time…though sadly the menu isn’t as wonderful.  

“But,” asks Dee Dee Jansson, who hasn’t been here that long, “independence from whom?”

“That’s easy,” I say, using my favorite joke that never gets old, “independence from Georgia, Armenia, the Baltics, Ukraine, Moldova, Belarus, and the Stans.”

 Being a fairly young holiday, Russia Day does not have a lot of engrained traditions, beyond the classic “Red Day on the Calendar” playbook:  streets blocked off to cars, metal detectors in Red Square, cheesy bands playing in the squares to small exhausted looking children half-heartedly clutching Russian tricolors.  As Russia Day falls this year on a Saturday, needless to say, we get Monday off, so most everyone I knew took advantage of this by either leaving Russia altogether (preferable) or going to the dacha, which I think they will regret as the forecast suggests violent thunderstorms that will very possibly be made worse by the cloud seeding that happens on days like this.   A handful of  journalists took the opportunity to craft some well-written opinion pieces like this one by Vladimir Milov, which I recommend, while the gang in power handed out some prizes for poetry, music, and science.  Cheesy loud concert in Red Square followed by fireworks.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now, if we could just introduce some fried chicken, cole slaw and potato salad into the mix somehow…

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Hey Readers!

Happy Russia Day!  What did you get up to?  What would be your ideal Russia Day menu? Don’t you think it should feature red, white, and blue martinis of some kind?  Any suggestions?

Thanks as always for stopping by, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the form of a comment, which you can leave by clicking the comment button below.  

Or, stick around and enjoy a few more posts like this one:

May Day / День труда: A Day of Solidarity

St. George’s Day /День святого Георгия Победоносца: Cry God For Vovka, Russia and St. George!

Day of the Black Sea Fleet /День Черноморского флота: The Boys Who Brought You The Battleship Potemkin!

Day of the Pacific Fleet /День Тихоокеанского флота: Keeping the World Safe From Right Hand Steering Wheels

I can see Russia from my house!

~ Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin may well regret until her dying day that she erroneously claimed that she could see Russia from her home in Wasilla, AK; but for the boys in Russia’s Pacific Fleet – it means job security for life, and I for one sleep easier knowing that they are keeping their collective eyes on her.  

 Today is Pacific Fleet Day!  On this day, in 1731, Russia’s first permanent Naval Base was established at Okhotsk.   Some of you may not think Russia has anything to do with the Pacific Ocean, but that’s just not true.  Where else do you think the Trans-Siberian Railway goes…Siberia?

In addition to keeping their eyes on Sarah, the Pacific Fleet keeps Russia safe from Japan and their insane cars with the steering wheel on what my British friends call “the correct side.” Almost 50% of the cars in big Pacific Coast cities like Khabarovsk, Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk and Vladivostok are beat-up but serviceable Subarus with the steering wheel on the correct side.   Occasionally some lunatic transports these to Moscow to make an already intolerable traffic situation even more horrific, since the people who drive these all seem like they haven’t taken their Lithium that day.

The real reason, however, to keep the Pacific Fleet yar, as C.K. Dexter Haven would say, is China, and if you ask me (and no one ever ever does) it’s a bit like locking the barn after the horse has been stolen.  When the world’s most spacious nation, chocker block with rich mineral resources that are hard to access, populated by people who only ever get galvanized by military engagement and don’t seem to want to do anything about their worrying declining birth rate, is bang up against the cramped and overcrowded worker ant nation: a crowd who brought you affordable Hot and Sour Soup, then osmosis is simply going to take over.

Osmosis is “the physical process in which a solvent moves, without input of energy, across a semi permeable membrane (permeable to the solvent, but not the solute) separating two solutions of different concentration,” and that seems to sum up the situation between Russia and China to a tea.   The semi permanence of the membrane in this case is economic, and the physical process has already started in Russia’s Far East.   This might not be the worst thing to ever happen to Russia…the last invasion and occupation  of Russia by an Asian Power, the Tatar Mongul Yoke from 1237 – 1480 gave Russia all kinds of useful things like shashlik, primogeniture, bureaucracy, and, something they’ve put to very good use, taxes.  

And the Chinese drive on the right side of the road.

To Admiral Viktor Dmitrievich Federov, and all those who serve with him:  Congratulations on Pacific Fleet Day!

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This post is part of The Stunt

Today is also Day of the Military Translators, where you will find your intrepid blogger adrift, attractive and adroitly doing a little military translation on the Volga River!  Don't miss it!

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Dear Reader:

First of all - to those very kind people who I haven't actually met in person who send me the lovely e mails about this blog...THANK YOU!!!!!!   The last few days have been kind of stressful and those were lovely moments.   I am so pleased you like this blog.

I've had some questions from readers about leaving comments.  Here are the answers to some FAQ:

1. It is super kind to leave me a comment on Facebook, but then I suspect you haven't quite read the post, which is entirely up to you, of course, but, comments here on the blog are like potato chips without the calories.

2.  You don't necessarily have to give your real name, which is what is keeping HRH from leaving anything, (althoughI know for a fact he isn't reading 1/8 of what he says he is, because I think he'd divorce me if he actually did.)

3.  You don't need a URL to leave a comment - you can leave that blank. 

4.  Yes, Dad, you do have to put in the CATCHPA code in.  It keeps the Spammer crowd at bay, and, for someone with a College degree, you shouldn't have to wait for your wife to do it for you.