Dividing My Time

General Prosecutor’s Day/День работника прокуратуры Российской Федерации: ORDER & LAW

 "In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

~Opening of Law & Order

Today celebrates the men and women who protect and defend the laws of Russia from those who might seek to break, or indeed bend them: the employees of Russia’s General Prosecutor, led by Yuri Chaika (like the Chekhov play and the car) in over 2,800 regional offices all over Russia.

On January 12, 1722, Peter The Great established the post of General Prosecutor of the Russia Senate.  Before Peter, as with so many things, justice was rather more loosely organized...a bit rougher if you will.   I won’t bore you with the lengthy and somewhat plodding history of the Russian Prosecutors – if you are fascinated with it that much, you can read the entire thing on their helpful website.   I would just highlight two interesting moments – one is that in 1917, the Bolsheviks abolished all court systems and handed the administration of justice over to The People, which was obviously far more efficient as the next two decades would prove. 

This kind of populist utopia can’t last forever, of course, and in 1992, soon after the Fall of the Wall and all that unpleasantness, the system was revamped once again.  In the words of the General Prosecutor themselves:

As early as the first Russian Law on Public Prosecution Service (1992) abolished the total supervision over implementation of laws by citizens; the Prosecution Service was prohibited from interference in economic activities. The essence of prosecutorial supervision, which is nowadays carried out over execution of essentially new legislation regulating drastically changed social relations, became absolutely different.

There are those – and HRH is in the vanguard -- who scoff at my notion that Russian history is cyclical rather than linear, but I think the history of the General Prosecutor’s Office is a great example of why I’m right.  What goes around comes around.

One thing that has remained constant, however, is that the Prosecutors in Russia are all uniformed – a tradition dating back from Peter I and carried on to this day.  Today, the uniforms are a cheerful sort of Prussian blue, which if you ask me (and no one ever ever does), are ever so slightly effeminate.  But there you are:  they Army has manly olive green, the Navy took black and the Air Force got the funky blue/green and the Police the blue/grey.  So the legal beagles are stuck with the girly blue which may account for their zeal in coming down hard on the crowd that wants to hang out by the statue of Mayakovsky or buy Parliaments (Lite or otherwise): a need to show their manliness.  I base this on the following scholarly observation:  when the Prosecutors do deign to make public statements, they tend to put forward some young woman in a shortened skirt as spokesperson.  While the peroxide blond reads out a statement at lightening speed in “officialspeak,” the beefier senior men stand around silently and clutch their crotches and sway, as Russian officials are wont to do.  As recent events have shown, no one can get through a statement faster than the General Prosecutors, because what's important is the letter - not the rule - of the law.

It’s all a far far cry from Sam Waterston and Alana de la Garza (who would look great in epaulettes and Prosecutor blue).  There was a knock off “Law & Order” series on Russian TV for a while called “Zakon & Poryadok” (Russian for "LAW and ORDER") which lasted one season.  I don’t know…it lacked a certain ya ni znaio shto (Russian for "je ne sais quoi") which I put down as Chris Noth, though it could have been that the misalignment of the fact that the Prosecutors aren’t “separate but equally important” from the police who investigate the crime. Certainly they don't stride down a hall carrying coffee cups together.  Maybe it’s that they don’t represent the people.   Or that it's not NYC.  

In any case, if you want to check them out – they are on Bolshaya Dmitrovka – right near US Dental Care.  You can’t miss it.

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Greetings Readers!

Have you been following Russia’s courtroom dramas these past few weeks?  What’s your take on them?  Weigh in, won’t you, by clicking the comment button below.  If you liked this post, do “like” it on Facebook so your friends can enjoy it to.  Or try some more stories about the world’s largest country like the ones listed below.  Thanks for visiting Dividing My Time!

Day of the Constitution of the Russian Government/День Конституции Российской Федерации: We, the multinational people

Day of the Lawyers/День юриста в России: Rule of Law Lipstick

The Day of the Baltic Fleet/День Балтийского флота: The Double Glazing on Russia’s Window on The West

Day of the Lawyers/День юриста в России: Rule of Law Lipstick

God wanted to chastise mankind, so he sent lawyers.

~Russian Proverb

Happy Lawyers’ Day!   This is a relatively new holiday, which just really got going last year in 2009, after legislation was passed in 2008, creating “Lawyers’ Day.”  On this day, Russia’s legal hacks gather together for a big celebration and vote for “Lawyer of the Year.”  

When I was researching this column, I looked for some interesting information on how many lawyers there are in Russia, or how many law firms operate, but no dice.  But you know, there are a lot...because there is a lot of paperwork in Russia.  And a lot of taxes.  In desperation, I tried to find out what the Lady Lawyer with the Dirty Book I’d written about in Day of the Legal Profession was up to, but even she seems to have gone quiet.  There is, of course, a bunch of information from the Skunk, Adder, Mole & Fox or Dewey, Cheetum & Howe crowd of international legal beagles around, but it is so very dull or pompous, or, worse, dull and pompous, that I think I will just give it a miss and talk about a vaguely related WikiLeak on Russia’s most famous court case, because, frankly, I cannot resist the language.  A cable – yes, a diplomatic cable -- written by a senior State Department Official was entitled "Rule of Law Lipstick on a Political Pig: Khodorkovsky Case Plods Along.”  I have to think there punctuation missing there somehow.  Shouldn’t it be: “Rule of Law: Lipstick on a Political Pig…?”  I will ask my father, the world’s greatest living grammarian, but I am pretty sure I’m right.  Apart from anything else, all savvy girl bloggers know there isn’t a lipstick color called “Rule of Law.”  Duh…

You have to hand it to these Senior State Department Officials, who, by the way fellow American citizens, are spending our tax dollars to attend Chechen warlord weddings and calling it work. They know their literary references and aren’t afraid to use them: “…Recent reports of the death of academic freedom in Russia are greatly exaggerated.” Is Political Minister Counselor Susan Elliott (who must feel very embarrassed this week) just very cold or very bored?  Or both?  Can I humbly suggest she cut out the verbal repartee and get out there and diplom?

The news that the Khodorkovsky case continues to plod along came as no surprise, because the legal wheels in Russia turn very slowly indeed: it took the judge almost an entire year to read out the entire 800 page indictment in an annoying monotone while journalists spelled one another in stuffy courtroom, and the accused hung out in a cage in the courtroom.

It has, however, provided lots of employment for many of Russia’s finest legal minds…and no doubt will for years to come.   

Stay tuned for updates on Russia’s Lawyer of the Year! 

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Hey there readers!

Do you know any lawyers in Russia?  Are you a lawyer yourself?  Who is your pick for “Lawyer of the Year?”  Hit the comment button below and let us know!  And, for those of you who saw yesterday’s FIFA comment, I just wanted to update you and say that I had a 9pm epiphany on the whole thing when I suddenly realized that I could rent my apartment in Moscow to some Saudi Royals for…oh about $4 million dollars a minute.  Very exciting.  Does anyone know any Saudi Royals?   I don’t’ think it’s too early to begin putting out the feelers, really, do you?

A reminder that  Dividing My Time has been nominated in two categories (Best Travel Blog and Best Humor Blog) in the 2010 Blogger's Choice Awards!  If you enjoy Dividing My Time, please consider voting by clicking on the icons to the right of this column, or by following this easy link  and this one too. You can get your friends to do it, and you can also, like Sarah Palin, get your employees to do it.  It’s quick, easy, doesn’t cost anything, and it really is all I want for Christmas!  Thank you!

If you liked this post, try some more like it:

Day of the Legal Profession /День российской адвокатуры: Russia’s Pornographic Portia

Day of the Russian Postal Service/День российской почты: Room For Improvement

Recruiter’s Day/День рекрутера: Help Wanted

Recruiter’s Day/День рекрутера: Help Wanted

 

“Always, always, always take the meeting!”

Teri Lindeberg, Founder and CEO of Staffwell

Today is Recruiter’s Day!  Since 2001, Russia and a few of the other CIS countries celebrate all things Headhunting on September 20th.  

Headhunting, executive recruitment, or whatever you call it was virtually unknown in Russia until 1991, when an article in the national broadsheet, Izvestia wrote about how Western Head hunting firms worked. For much of the population of Russia, the idea that you go to a neutral (and in many cases unknown) third party to find a job or employees still seems highly suspect.   Goes against the grain somehow. It took HRH, my "horrible Russian husband" a long long  time before he felt comfortable about a perfect stranger calling him up to tell him he was a leader in his field (which HRH. being a Russian guy, already knew) and to gauge his interest in looking at a possible new job in a different company.  

 Here is a distillation of a common exchange circa 1996:

“Ohhhh…that sounds exciting,” I said.   “Be sure to wear your red tie.”

He looked at me, surprised.

“And a white shirt,” I continued, “always better to wear a white shirt.”

“Do you think I should go?” he asked astonished.

“You should always take the meeting,” I said firmly, quoting my friend and leading headhunter Teri Lindebeg, who founded a ridiculously successful agency in Russia.  “Always, always, always take the meeting.”

HRH didn’t seem convinced.  “But if I go,” he hypothesized, “my current employer will find out.”

HRH was brought up in that fine Soviet tradition captured best in a pithy bon mot from Josef Stalin:  “In the Soviet army it takes more courage to retreat than advance.”  

“So much the better!” I enthused, “that way, they get scared you might leave, and then you can have the ‘how much will you pay me to stay’” conversation."

That was appealing; HRH decided to probe a little bit deeper.

“And if they find me a job?”  He would hone in,  “What will I have to pay them?”

“But that’s the beauty of the whole thing,” I said triumphantly, “You don’t pay them anything.  Your new employer does.”

HRH raised a quizzical eyebrow at me.

“I don’t have to pay anything?”

“No nothing – you are the commodity for the headhunting firm, and the new employer pays them to find you.”

“I think you must have something backwards,” said HRH.  “That’s not how it works.”

Here's how it works in the world HRH grew up in: if you wanted a job, you made some phone calls to someone who knew someone, who might put in a good word for you.   Executive jobs with great income streams might require a “business sauna” where all the parties met up at a sauna, got naked and beat one another with branches to seal the deal.   You know the kind of thing. Once the “Prikaz” or order had been signed sealed and the new job secured, discreet reimbursement would take place up and down the food chain.  The prime motivator was always the employee, or the parent of an employee.  Not the employer.  

It took some time and some input from some of my (male) friends, before HRH felt comfortable putting on his red tie, tucking two copies of his (brilliantly written if I do say so myself) CV in his briefcase and sally forth to conquer new worlds.  But once he got into it, he was hooked.  It was like sponge painting. He always, always, always took the meeting.   It became a sort of security blanket he carried with him at all times: like having a casserole in the freezer, or a Swiss bank account.  As long as HRH had some headhunters who took an interest, he could put up with the bi-polar egomaniacal lunatic who owned one of the companies he worked for.  He could smile beatifically at the Red Directors and the minor officials at another.  He could tolerate one really very mediocre financial hack from New Zealand who was the boss of him in an industry the hack knew less than nothing about.

So today, I for one will raise a glass of better-than-average chardonnay today to thank all of Russia's (and London too for that matter) headhunters for making my life just a teeny bit nicer…

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This post is part of The Stunt

Author’s Note:  Teri Lindeberg’s blog Work360.ru about Russian staffing, workplace issues, and cross-cultural companies is highly recommended!  Here is a link to a (slightly tongue-in-cheek) piece I wrote for her about what not to eat at a business lunch, lest you make an idiot of yourself!

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Hey there readers!

What is your experience with Headhunting?  Have you been a hunt-ee?  Are you a hunter?  What’s it like?   Let me know by leaving a comment below.  And, if you liked this post, stick around and enjoy some others like it:

World Wide Metrology Day/Всемирный день метролога: He’s Metric: I’m Imperial: How Can Love Survive?

Day of the Northern Fleet of Russia/День Северного флота России: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Vivant et repulica…et qui illam regit!

 

 

Day of the Inventors and Rationalizers (Management Consultants)/День изобретателя и рационализатора: Love To Hear Medvedev Go “Tweet Tweet Tweet!”

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

~ Plato (The Republic)

  Today is the Day of the Inventors and the Rationalizers!  I crossed checked “rationalizer” in a number of online dictionaries and it seems that it can to refer to someone who re-organizes or brings modern, efficient methods to an industry i.e. Management Consultants.   Management Consultants, as I learned during my happy time at Russia’s National Carrier are creepy expat parasites, who, as HRH would say, are “You-zzz-eh-less” so I thought we might focus on the inventors.   

We have, of course, talked before about Russia’s past contributions to world technology…that Periodic Table of Elements thing, so I thought what we might do is focus more on Russia’s future inventors and innovators.

And what a great week to do so!  As all Russia-watchers, and many techno-geeks know, President Dmitry Medvedev, clearly off on good behavior, visited Silicon Valley on fact and fund finding missions for Russia’s  “City of Innovation,” Skolkovo.  Skolkovo, which is 20 kilometers from Moscow, was recently designated the site for Russia’s new innovation and technology center, where the focus will be on energy, information technologies, communication, biomedical research and nuclear technology.

Russia’s president is a real gadget geek and so this was like having lunch with all of the Disney Princesses for a 6-year old girl from Alabama.  He visited Apple, where he got a new 4G iPhone from Saint Steve himself (to add to the pirated and “cracked” 3G one he already had), he met with the Russian programmer Diaspora, about whom he expressed the (wildly unrealistic) hope that they would all return home and work at Skolkovo, and then, he visited Twitter, where he set up an account, and sent his first tweet, with an adorable typo.  He then proceeded to tweet the entire rest of the day, sending Twitpicks of the view from his hotel room, some random thoughts on Skolkovo, the good news that Belarus was going to repay it’s gas bill, and his latest tweet says he just met with David Cameron, and they agreed to stay in touch, and not just on line.

Having just worked my way through “Twitter for Dummies,” I was able to instantly “follow” the President. He isn’t following me.  Yet, but I am sure that will be put to right as soon as he gets home and synchs his contacts on the new phone with his iPad and his Kremlin hotmail account.  I sent him (unanswered as of yet) a tweet expressing my hope (in 140 characters) that he had enjoyed his cheeseburger with President Obama, and congratulating him on the cool press conference.   And you can send both President Medvedev and me tweets if you like as well.    We’re up to speed.

The President’s visit got a lot of coverage, most of it positive, some not, but the visit put Skolkovo firmly back on the top-five dinner party topics, from whence, frankly, it had slipped slightly, what with the initial rollout being not super duper PR, and the oppressive heat, and the BP oil spill and everything.  But, with companies like Nokia and CISCO pledging billion dollar investments into Skolkovo, we all wonder: is this the new hot place to look for a job?  Is the Innovation Technology racket the new Management Consultant racket?   Or do you have to, like, know something for this gig?

I’ll send you a hashtagged tweet if I find out!

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Dear Reader:

Had you heard about Skolkovo before you saw the charming footage of Medvedev at the Twitter office?   What do you think the Skolkovo crowd should focus on apart from how to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which a lot of us believe they already know, but what else?  Better ice machines and more powerful a/c are on the top of my list, since it is 93.2 degrees today (which is 34 degrees Celsius for the Metric geeks among you.).  Thank you, as ever, for stopping by.  Stick around, and read some other posts like this one:

Day of the Chemists / День химика: Russia’s Unquestioned Contribution to Civilization

Day of the Freelancers / День фрилансера: The Pajama-Clad Workforce

Day of the Ameliorators/День мелиоратора: Professionals From Fiction with Tough Rows to Hoe

Day of Friendship and Unity of the Slavic Peoples/День дружбы и единения славян: Birds of a Feather, Stick Together!

The Chuds, the Slavs, and the Krivichians then said to the people of Rus:

“Our whole land is great and rich, but there is no order in it…Come and rule and reign over us.”

~ The Primary Chronicle of Russia

Today is the Day of Friendship and Unity of the Slavic Peoples, and I thought, as another of my totally unsolicited public service gestures, I would offer you a brief guide to how you can tell if you are a Slavic person. This is not as simple as it used to be.  Once upon a time, all the Slavic people lived behind the Iron Curtain, but today, some of them live in the European Union, some would like to, and some won’t admit they really want to.  Very Confusing.   

Over half of Europe’s physical territory is covered by Slavic people, which are broken down geographically and linguistically into West Slavic (including including Czechs, Moravians, Poles, Silesians, Slovaks and Sorbs), East Slavic (including Belarusians, Russians and Ukrainians), and South Slavic (including Bosniaks, Bulgarians, Croats, Macedonians, Montenegrins, Serbs and Slovenes).  But, as anyone who has tried to check into a hotel in London, or ridden a taxi in New York lately knows, the Slavs have become a migrant people.  So how do you know?

You might be a Slav if…

1.    You believe in your God-given right to a 70% discount on natural gas.

2.    You are sure that more is more in the nail varnish, eau de cologne, and make-up department.

3.    Fur, animal skins, and leather are fine by you.

4.    Sometime during the period December 24th and January 7th, your bathtub is full of a large salted fish.

5.    You know more than one way to cook cabbage.

6.    “Cash reserves” and “retirement account” refer to the space between your mattress and bedspring.

7.    You believe that Kosovo is an immutable part of Serbia.

8.    You are still trying to understand how Barack Obama beat John McCain in the 2008 American Presidential Election.

9.    You consider ice in drinks to be a pre-curser to fatal diseases.

10.    “Job Security” is another nickname for Uncle Pavel.

11.    Your cheekbones are wider than your shoulders.

12.    A large bouquet of flowers is a default position.

13.    You are getting the most hits from male American oil-rig workers on match.com.

14.    You prefer your champagne sweet and your vodka warm.

15.    Your immediate forbears had more than 3 tons of root vegetables in their cellar.

16.    You are working as a waiter, construction worker, or chambermaid in any of the capitals of Western Europe.

17.    “Stalinist” to you means a better type of domicile or architecture.

18.     You are convinced that Bohemian crystal is the perfect gift for any occasion.

19.     “Olympic Gold Medal” is a synonmyn for “new apartment.”

20.     Beer is your beverage of choice in the morning.

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Dear Readers:

I know…I know…I couldn’t resist.  I’m sorry. 

Thanks for stopping by.   Here are a few other posts that are not quite as bad as this one:

Day of Slavic Writing and Culture /День славянской письменности и культуры: The Russian language Is A Rich Language

Day of the Russian Entrepreneur /День российского предпринимательства: An Oxymoron or what?

Day of the Light Industry Workers/День работников легкой промышленности: Pushy Women and Russia’s Almost-Ran UGG Boot

Day of the Workers of the Federal Migration Service/День работников миграционной службы: Lambs to the Slaughter

Do you have any specialized skills, training or experience related to firearms and explosives, or to nuclear, biological or chemical activities?  If <Yes>, please explain.

~ Question # 32 on the visa application for US Citizens to the Russian Federation.

Here is another holiday, Like Day of the HR Managers, where I do not see us breaking out the Veuve Cliquot and the cobalt blue champagne flutes with the Imperial Seal.   Today is Workers of the Federal Migration Service Day. See, I can’t even work up enthusiasm for my customary exclamation mark.  

This is the crowd, as I have written before, who are making us run around Moscow trying to find a certified Latin- Russian translator, so we can have our college diplomas translated and apostiled, and have us combing the post-Armageddon landscape of southern Moscow to find the one rump-sprung clinic that is still testing for leprosy.  These are the clowns who change the rules about where and how to register your visa (once you actually get one and successfully enter the country) every single solitary time.   And, I have to assume that these are the Sadists who came up with that PDF version of the visa application, which is quite simply impossible to fill out on the computer. Go ahead, try to do it…click here and try and fill in one line without having to move your mouse and click on every single box.   See?

These people drive me to drink...and I can crawl there on my own, thank you very much.

People are always offering me back doors to Russian citizenship, and I just decline politely on behalf of myself and Velvet.  For one thing, Russia doesn’t have a dual citizenship agreement with America, or a number of other desirable first world locales like the EU...and all those Russians who think they are so clever (a number of HRH’s female relatives fall in to this category) in keeping their red passports once they get the new blue or burgundy ones should, I believe, be made to choose one and not the other, in tense circumstances by someone as unpleasant as Officer Noble, after a 26-hour flight.   Citizenship, Comrades, is not a travel document.   You can’t have a propiska (a residency permit) in a Moscow apartment, and vote for Barack Obama.  One or the other.  Not both.  Apart from anything else, you are depriving the poor Workers of the Federal Migration Service income, and driving the price of a one-year, multi-entry visa (for which you could get an entire new outfit at Eileen Fisher) for the rest of us!

The Federal Migration Workers are in charge of surveillance of labor migration, which is everyone from the Head of Proctor & Gamble in Russia to the Tadzhik street sweepers, and I always smile at the Tadzhiks and say “Good Day” politely since I feel we are essentially in the same boat.  It seems the Russians also think so, because the Moscow Times had a hysterical report on Friday about a little volume being created by Moscow City Hall.   This quite over-shadowed the other news of the day which I must just mention:  about the 65 meter penis painted on the underside of one of Saint Petersburg’s drawbridges on the eve of the Petersburg Economic Forum.   When raised, the drawbridge faced the Saint Petersburg HQ of the FSB, and that, to me, is genius on a scale you rarely see these days.

But to get back to the other story:  it seems the authorities at City Hall are coming up with an etiquette book for foreign workers visiting the capital.  This is A Bit Much, if you ask me, from a crowd who clear their nostrils of phlegm by pinching one side and blowing out the contents of the other.  Like on the main street, in broad daylight.

Is this woman getting ready to slaughter a lamb?

 

Is this man wearing his national costume on Tverskaya Street? 

The latter-day Emily Posts at City Hall, if you ask me (and no one ever ever does) could spend a little more time on re-working traffic patterns to ease the gridlock than telling me how to behave, but there they are, putting out this silly thing and issuing press releases about it all over the place.   The volume gets specific about some taboo behavior including wearing one’s national costume in public, which rules out jeans I guess, and LL Bean boots, as well as my North Face parka.  We are also supposed to refrain from slaughtering sheep in the courtyard, which wasn’t high up on my to-do list, but then my blood ran cold when I saw that we were also forbidden to barbecue on our balconies.

Oh Dear…

Congratulations to all of the Workers of the Federal Migration Service.

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This post is part of The Stunt

Photos by the author.  All Rights Reserved

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Dear Reader:

Have you ever applied for a visa to Russia?  Did you have to be medicated after you completed the application?  Did you try that PDF, and if so, do you agree it was created by a modern day Torquemada?   Do you know why I am so concerned about the barbecue rule???  (HINT: you’ll find the answer in one of the posts listed below!) Leave me a message of support below, or stick around and enjoy a few more posts like this one.  

More Blessed to Give, Than to Receive

Human Resource Department Day/День кадровика: 69 Pieces of Paper And Your Blood

Vivant et repulica…et qui illam regit!

Russia Day /День России: No, It’s Not Independence Day

Russia also declared its independence. This was approved by the Supreme Soviet, and you know and remember that there was the Declaration on the Independence of Russia. 

~ Boris Yeltsin 

Today is Russia Day!  

 
 At a gathering at my home in Moscow on Friday, I was not surprised that a survey of Russians polled (HRH and Joe’s very clever girlfriend Tanya) had absolutely no idea what Russia Day is in aid of, even though today marks the 20th anniversary of the original Russia Day.  Ask them about Border Guard Day, or Victory Day, and they are letter perfect, but Russia Day?  But this is why nation building – to say nothing of being a groundbreaking chronicler of Russian holidays -- is such uphill work.

So, as a public service message, here is the skinny on Russia Day:  Russia Day marks the moment on June 12, 1990 when (and pay attention, because this is slightly tricky) the Russian parliament declared Russian sovereignty over Russia.  And if that sounds like a bunch of people who don’t have enough to do getting together to have a party, it actually was a significant moment for the newly-minted Russian Federation, which had been the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic (RSFSR), the largest of the 15 Republics that made up The Soviet Union.   Declaring State Sovereignty over this body made the Russian Federation a new nation, independent of the other 14.   While the name of the country would be ratified later in 1991 (we’ll come to this in December), Russia Day marked the true moment of the birth of a nation.

But you can see why people like HRH (44% of Russians actually, according to a recent poll) remain confused about the holiday and refer to June 12th as “Independence Day.”   This is understandable if you are French or American and you look at the color scheme and the choice of a summer date, as well as the fireworks in the evening.  Reminds you vaguely of some other holidays celebrating that kind of thing around this time…though sadly the menu isn’t as wonderful.  

“But,” asks Dee Dee Jansson, who hasn’t been here that long, “independence from whom?”

“That’s easy,” I say, using my favorite joke that never gets old, “independence from Georgia, Armenia, the Baltics, Ukraine, Moldova, Belarus, and the Stans.”

 Being a fairly young holiday, Russia Day does not have a lot of engrained traditions, beyond the classic “Red Day on the Calendar” playbook:  streets blocked off to cars, metal detectors in Red Square, cheesy bands playing in the squares to small exhausted looking children half-heartedly clutching Russian tricolors.  As Russia Day falls this year on a Saturday, needless to say, we get Monday off, so most everyone I knew took advantage of this by either leaving Russia altogether (preferable) or going to the dacha, which I think they will regret as the forecast suggests violent thunderstorms that will very possibly be made worse by the cloud seeding that happens on days like this.   A handful of  journalists took the opportunity to craft some well-written opinion pieces like this one by Vladimir Milov, which I recommend, while the gang in power handed out some prizes for poetry, music, and science.  Cheesy loud concert in Red Square followed by fireworks.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now, if we could just introduce some fried chicken, cole slaw and potato salad into the mix somehow…

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This post is part of The Stunt

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Hey Readers!

Happy Russia Day!  What did you get up to?  What would be your ideal Russia Day menu? Don’t you think it should feature red, white, and blue martinis of some kind?  Any suggestions?

Thanks as always for stopping by, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the form of a comment, which you can leave by clicking the comment button below.  

Or, stick around and enjoy a few more posts like this one:

May Day / День труда: A Day of Solidarity

St. George’s Day /День святого Георгия Победоносца: Cry God For Vovka, Russia and St. George!

Day of the Black Sea Fleet /День Черноморского флота: The Boys Who Brought You The Battleship Potemkin!

Day of the Legal Profession /День российской адвокатуры: Russia’s Pornographic Portia

The one great principle of the…law is, to make business for itself. There is no other principle distinctly, certainly, and consistently maintained through all its narrow turnings.

~Charles Dickens (Bleak House)

Today is Legal Profession Day!   This holiday was introduced to Russia by the once and future President Vladimir Putin relatively late in the game in 2002.  It marks no special legal occasion or milestone that I could discern, but rather reflected the rise in importance and prominence of the profession, keeping pace with the hyper-development of Russia’s economy in the early oughts.

Russia has very few famous lawyers.  The equivalent of our Attorney General, the General Procurator, is a uniformed position, usually occupied by some portly guy who speaks that horrific officalspeakski the Russians developed somewhere in the 1950s and 1960s, after all the people who knew how to deliver lofty rhetoric had been killed in the war (or other places), died of natural causes, or fled the country.  My friend Tess made the excellent point that it was probably what a lot of badly educated peasants thought intelligent people should sound like.

Sentences are delivered primarily in statacco phrases, which intone up and down for emphasis.  The speaker generally employs a condescending tone, as if it is a total waste of his very valuable time to read off his prepared statement.  The language he employs makes as full a use of the past tense as possible, as well as the full names of companies or government organs, and the speaker, characteristically avoids eye contact with the camera or audience, and waggles his hand up and down in a chopping motion to underscore his words. So, for example, an official, keeping his eyes firmly to the left of camera might say something like this:

“I, Ivanov, Yuri Borisovich, Deputy Head of the National Carrier of the Russian Federation can confirm that, in compliance with Law # 648 of the Federal Aviation Services of the Russian Federation, by the National Carrier of the Russian Federation, all scheduled flights for today, May 31, 2010, were carried out and executed by the National Carrier of the Russian Federation on time and on schedule.  And what is more, I can add that by me, Ivanov, Yuri Borisovich, Deputy Head of the National Carrier was received a personal congratulations from the Stepanov, Vassily Dmitrievich, the Head of the National Carrier of the Russian Federation.”

Rhetoric in Russia is sick puppy, so it’s no wonder there aren’t any famous Russian lawyers, apart, that is, from the two who currently run the country.   You don’t have any real live Clarence Darrows or Alan Dershowitzes.  There isn’t a golden thread of Russian legal fiction to give us Rumpole, Atticus Finch or Jarndyce and Jarndyce.   There aren’t even any lawyer jokes.  Because the law in Russia isn’t funny.  It’s tedious and plodding and Byzantine and changing.  Russian lawyers enrage me.  They charge a gazillion dollars a minute and used to muck up my beautifully written press releases with their legalese just to get their fingerprints on to some document.  

What Russia can boast, however, is a Pornographic Portia.  She wasn’t made in Russia, but she’s certainly made it in Russia, many many times. 

Deidre Dare is an American who worked for Alan & Overy in Moscow, which has to have been very dull work indeed.  To spice things up, Ms. Dare went out a lot, got up to all kinds of things, and wrote about it in an erotic novel (not the very best of that genre, but still).  She published the novel in her own name in weekly installments on her web page, each chapter charting her escapades with men of varying nationalities. In 2009, her bosses at the law firm asked her to take down the web site; she refused, and was sacked.  For about thirteen and a half minutes, this was Headline News. It looked like book deals and film rights would rain down on Ms. Dare, who made some outraged statements, which were much better crafted than her erotica or, of course, Russian officialspeakski, about suing the firm for slander or liable or something.  

The book deal may be in place, but the lawsuit seems to have fizzled out.  I have to admire Ms. Dare, though, for staying in Moscow and parlaying her exploits into a weekly column in The Moscow News called Sexpat (not the very best of that genre, but still), which you can find here.  People keep threatening to bring her to my dinner parties, and I may just pluck up the courage to say yes.  She’s obviously not stupid, has no reservations, and is enjoying being a writer much more than being a lawyer. 

Rumpole would have adored her…

Congratulations to all of the lawyers in Russia!  If you want some unsolicited advice, try some Cicero or John Mortimer...read To Kill a Mockingbird, or watch Inherit The Wind.  Rhetoric, people...rhetoric!!

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This post is part of The Stunt.

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Dear Reader:

What do you think of Deidre's work?  Come on!  I know you looked!  Leave me a comment and tell me...

Day of the Pacific Fleet /День Тихоокеанского флота: Keeping the World Safe From Right Hand Steering Wheels

I can see Russia from my house!

~ Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin may well regret until her dying day that she erroneously claimed that she could see Russia from her home in Wasilla, AK; but for the boys in Russia’s Pacific Fleet – it means job security for life, and I for one sleep easier knowing that they are keeping their collective eyes on her.  

 Today is Pacific Fleet Day!  On this day, in 1731, Russia’s first permanent Naval Base was established at Okhotsk.   Some of you may not think Russia has anything to do with the Pacific Ocean, but that’s just not true.  Where else do you think the Trans-Siberian Railway goes…Siberia?

In addition to keeping their eyes on Sarah, the Pacific Fleet keeps Russia safe from Japan and their insane cars with the steering wheel on what my British friends call “the correct side.” Almost 50% of the cars in big Pacific Coast cities like Khabarovsk, Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk and Vladivostok are beat-up but serviceable Subarus with the steering wheel on the correct side.   Occasionally some lunatic transports these to Moscow to make an already intolerable traffic situation even more horrific, since the people who drive these all seem like they haven’t taken their Lithium that day.

The real reason, however, to keep the Pacific Fleet yar, as C.K. Dexter Haven would say, is China, and if you ask me (and no one ever ever does) it’s a bit like locking the barn after the horse has been stolen.  When the world’s most spacious nation, chocker block with rich mineral resources that are hard to access, populated by people who only ever get galvanized by military engagement and don’t seem to want to do anything about their worrying declining birth rate, is bang up against the cramped and overcrowded worker ant nation: a crowd who brought you affordable Hot and Sour Soup, then osmosis is simply going to take over.

Osmosis is “the physical process in which a solvent moves, without input of energy, across a semi permeable membrane (permeable to the solvent, but not the solute) separating two solutions of different concentration,” and that seems to sum up the situation between Russia and China to a tea.   The semi permanence of the membrane in this case is economic, and the physical process has already started in Russia’s Far East.   This might not be the worst thing to ever happen to Russia…the last invasion and occupation  of Russia by an Asian Power, the Tatar Mongul Yoke from 1237 – 1480 gave Russia all kinds of useful things like shashlik, primogeniture, bureaucracy, and, something they’ve put to very good use, taxes.  

And the Chinese drive on the right side of the road.

To Admiral Viktor Dmitrievich Federov, and all those who serve with him:  Congratulations on Pacific Fleet Day!

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This post is part of The Stunt

Today is also Day of the Military Translators, where you will find your intrepid blogger adrift, attractive and adroitly doing a little military translation on the Volga River!  Don't miss it!

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Dear Reader:

First of all - to those very kind people who I haven't actually met in person who send me the lovely e mails about this blog...THANK YOU!!!!!!   The last few days have been kind of stressful and those were lovely moments.   I am so pleased you like this blog.

I've had some questions from readers about leaving comments.  Here are the answers to some FAQ:

1. It is super kind to leave me a comment on Facebook, but then I suspect you haven't quite read the post, which is entirely up to you, of course, but, comments here on the blog are like potato chips without the calories.

2.  You don't necessarily have to give your real name, which is what is keeping HRH from leaving anything, (althoughI know for a fact he isn't reading 1/8 of what he says he is, because I think he'd divorce me if he actually did.)

3.  You don't need a URL to leave a comment - you can leave that blank. 

4.  Yes, Dad, you do have to put in the CATCHPA code in.  It keeps the Spammer crowd at bay, and, for someone with a College degree, you shouldn't have to wait for your wife to do it for you.

Day of the Black Sea Fleet /День Черноморского флота: The Boys Who Brought You The Battleship Potemkin!

The sea indeed is assuredly common to all.

~ Plautus

Today is The Day of the Black Sea Fleet, founded on this day in 1783 by Prince Potemkin – of the Villages fame. Traditionally, and it now seems that tradition will continue, the fleet has been headquartered at Sevastopol, located on the Crimean Peninsula.  Sevastopol has the disadvantage of not actually being in Russia, not that Russia worries about this too much.  This would be like Britain having its Naval Headquarters in Galway, Ireland. So likely.  If you’ve been watching the news recently, you’ll recall that the subject of extending Russia’s lease of numerous naval bases in the Crimea resulted in this dignified moment in the Ukrainian parliament:

Russia’s navy has four fleets: The Baltic, The Pacific, The Black Sea, and the Northern, as well as one flotilla, The Caspian Sea Flotilla.   While I am sure each of these has its own particular cross to bear, it has to be really uphill work to keep Russia’s interests safe in this particular part of the world.   Ukraine, which Russia does treat as a mildly irksome younger sibling whose left shoe is untied and nose is running, is not the only problem.  To make it clearer, I’ve made a helpful map:

The Black Sea fleet guys are known for their somewhat hotheaded approach to seamanship, the most famous example being the uprising in 1905 of the sailors of The Battleship Potemkin, (named after the guy with the Villages.)   Sailors mutinied killing 18 officers.  They then tried to shop the battleship round to minor countries like Bulgaria and Roumania, who knew enough to send it back to Russia, but the uprising was seen as one of the early victories of the Russian Revolution and later made into a famous film. 

    The other thing you think about when you think about the Black Sea, of course, is the site of the 2014 Winter Olympics, Sochi --

    “Where?” asked my high school friend, Madeline, whom I met for a drink on a visit back to the US.

    “Sochi – it is a resort town on the Black Sea Coast – backs up on the Caucasus mountain range?  They’ve turned it into a winter recreation center and Putin and Medvedev are always there skiing and stuff.”

    “Wasn’t the Olympics in Canada this year?” she asked, confused.

    “Yes, but the next winter Olympics is in Sochi.”

    “Are you sure?” she said.  “I never heard about that place in my entire life.”

 Madeline is clearly not Russian, because every Russian knows about Sochi – you can’t avoid the nightly updates on the Russian news about it.  The Olympics in Sochi – or “Sochi 2014” as it is branded, is likely to be the biggest national embarrassment since the Russo-Japanese War, but to hear Russians talk about it, you’d think it was the Second Coming of Christ.    Russia watchers have concerns that things may not be going according to schedule.  Putin changes the person in charge every three months, and eventually, I suppose, he will simply have to go and run the damn thing himself.   

Maybe he should get that Potemkin guy in.  Him with the Villages.

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Happy Black Sea Fleet Day to Vice-Admiral Kletskov and all those who serve under him!

This post is part of The Stunt.

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Dear Reader:

Can you believe Russia has four fleets in it’s Navy and that they ALL celebrate different holidays?  I confess I was a little taken aback.  Had you heard about the egg roll in the Ukrainian parliament?  Had you heard of Sochi before this post?  Could you have correctly identified it on a map before today?  Did you realize it was so close to Georgia?   Well, there’s no homework here at Dividing My Time, just a sincere thank you for stopping by and reading this post.  I’d love a line from you, telling me more about you and what you think of this blog, or Russia in general.  You can leave a comment by clicking the comment button below!

And I'll leave you with a charming montage of the Black Sea Fleet Musical Ensemble's performances:

Just for the Record

My inaugural humor column concerned the downright craziness that happens during public holidays in Russia, and it met with a few raised eyebrows from certain quarters, as I was somewhat critical about the approach and method to scheduling Russian public holidays, which try to force a three day weekend around the actual date, sacrificing weekends in the process.    I further noted that this reaches ludicrous levels when two holidays are lumped together, such as May 1 – Labor Day and May 9 – victory Day.

    There are those who feel I went too far in suggesting that this approach to public holiday scheduling is slightly silly.  So, just for the record, here is a portion of an article that caught my eye in this week’s Moscow News announcing the probable holiday break down for New Year 2009 - 2010: 

    “The nation can expect to unwind for 10 days straight come January, the deputy head of the Federal Service for Employment and Labour Relations, Ivan Shklovets, said last week.

    

    "I can say with 90 per cent certainty that the New Year's holidays will be extended in conjunction with the shifting of days off," Shklovets said. He stated that January 1-5 are nonworking days.

    "Taking into account that January 2 and 3 fall on a Saturday and a Sunday, the Saturday day off will be shifted to January 6 and the January 3 day off, which falls on Sunday, will be shifted to January 8," said Shklovets. "January 7 is Christmas and January 9 and 10 fall on a Saturday and Sunday."

You be the judge.